<p>AUGUST 4.</p>
<p>I am not alone unfortunate. All men are disappointed in their hopes, and
deceived in their expectations. I have paid a visit to my good old woman
under the lime-trees. The eldest boy ran out to meet me: his exclamation
of joy brought out his mother, but she had a very melancholy look. Her
first word was, "Alas! dear sir, my little John is dead." He was the
youngest of her children. I was silent. "And my husband has returned from
Switzerland without any money; and, if some kind people had not assisted
him, he must have begged his way home. He was taken ill with fever on his
journey." I could answer nothing, but made the little one a present. She
invited me to take some fruit: I complied, and left the place with a
sorrowful heart.</p>
<p>AUGUST 21.</p>
<p>My sensations are constantly changing. Sometimes a happy prospect opens
before me; but alas! it is only for a moment; and then, when I am lost in
reverie, I cannot help saying to myself, "If Albert were to die?—Yes,
she would become—and I should be"—and so I pursue a chimera,
till it leads me to the edge of a precipice at which I shudder.</p>
<p>When I pass through the same gate, and walk along the same road which
first conducted me to Charlotte, my heart sinks within me at the change
that has since taken place. All, all, is altered! No sentiment, no
pulsation of my heart, is the same. My sensations are such as would occur
to some departed prince whose spirit should return to visit the superb
palace which he had built in happy times, adorned with costly
magnificence, and left to a beloved son, but whose glory he should find
departed, and its halls deserted and in ruins.</p>
<p>SEPTEMBER 3.</p>
<p>I sometimes cannot understand how she can love another, how she dares love
another, when I love nothing in this world so completely, so devotedly, as
I love her, when I know only her, and have no other possession.</p>
<p>SEPTEMBER 4.</p>
<p>It is even so! As nature puts on her autumn tints it becomes autumn with
me and around me. My leaves are sere and yellow, and the neighbouring
trees are divested of their foliage. Do you remember my writing to you
about a peasant boy shortly after my arrival here? I have just made
inquiries about him in Walheim. They say he has been dismissed from his
service, and is now avoided by every one. I met him yesterday on the road,
going to a neighbouring village. I spoke to him, and he told me his story.
It interested me exceedingly, as you will easily understand when I repeat
it to you. But why should I trouble you? Why should I not reserve all my
sorrow for myself? Why should I continue to give you occasion to pity and
blame me? But no matter: this also is part of my destiny.</p>
<p>At first the peasant lad answered my inquiries with a sort of subdued
melancholy, which seemed to me the mark of a timid disposition; but, as we
grew to understand each other, he spoke with less reserve, and openly
confessed his faults, and lamented his misfortune. I wish, my dear friend,
I could give proper expression to his language. He told me with a sort of
pleasurable recollection, that, after my departure, his passion for his
mistress increased daily, until at last he neither knew what he did nor
what he said, nor what was to become of him. He could neither eat nor
drink nor sleep: he felt a sense of suffocation; he disobeyed all orders,
and forgot all commands involuntarily; he seemed as if pursued by an evil
spirit, till one day, knowing that his mistress had gone to an upper
chamber, he had followed, or, rather, been drawn after her. As she proved
deaf to his entreaties, he had recourse to violence. He knows not what
happened; but he called God to witness that his intentions to her were
honourable, and that he desired nothing more sincerely than that they
should marry, and pass their lives together. When he had come to this
point, he began to hesitate, as if there was something which he had not
courage to utter, till at length he acknowledged with some confusion
certain little confidences she had encouraged, and liberties she had
allowed. He broke off two or three times in his narration, and assured me
most earnestly that he had no wish to make her bad, as he termed it, for
he loved her still as sincerely as ever; that the tale had never before
escaped his lips, and was only now told to convince me that he was not
utterly lost and abandoned. And here, my dear friend, I must commence the
old song which you know I utter eternally. If I could only represent the
man as he stood, and stands now before me, could I only give his true
expressions, you would feel compelled to sympathise in his fate. But
enough: you, who know my misfortune and my disposition, can easily
comprehend the attraction which draws me toward every unfortunate being,
but particularly toward him whose story I have recounted.</p>
<p>On perusing this letter a second time, I find I have omitted the
conclusion of my tale; but it is easily supplied. She became reserved
toward him, at the instigation of her brother who had long hated him, and
desired his expulsion from the house, fearing that his sister's second
marriage might deprive his children of the handsome fortune they expected
from her; as she is childless. He was dismissed at length; and the whole
affair occasioned so much scandal, that the mistress dared not take him
back, even if she had wished it. She has since hired another servant, with
whom, they say, her brother is equally displeased, and whom she is likely
to marry; but my informant assures me that he himself is determined not to
survive such a catastrophe.</p>
<p>This story is neither exaggerated nor embellished: indeed, I have weakened
and impaired it in the narration, by the necessity of using the more
refined expressions of society.</p>
<p>This love, then, this constancy, this passion, is no poetical fiction. It
is actual, and dwells in its greatest purity amongst that class of mankind
whom we term rude, uneducated. We are the educated, not the perverted. But
read this story with attention, I implore you. I am tranquil to-day, for I
have been employed upon this narration: you see by my writing that I am
not so agitated as usual. I read and re-read this tale, Wilhelm: it is the
history of your friend! My fortune has been and will be similar; and I am
neither half so brave nor half so determined as the poor wretch with whom
I hesitate to compare myself.</p>
<p>SEPTEMBER 5.</p>
<p>Charlotte had written a letter to her husband in the country, where he was
detained by business. It commenced, "My dearest love, return as soon as
possible: I await you with a thousand raptures." A friend who arrived,
brought word, that, for certain reasons, he could not return immediately.
Charlotte's letter was not forwarded, and the same evening it fell into my
hands. I read it, and smiled. She asked the reason. "What a heavenly
treasure is imagination:" I exclaimed; "I fancied for a moment that this
was written to me." She paused, and seemed displeased. I was silent.</p>
<p>SEPTEMBER 6.</p>
<p>It cost me much to part with the blue coat which I wore the first time I
danced with Charlotte. But I could not possibly wear it any longer. But I
have ordered a new one, precisely similar, even to the collar and sleeves,
as well as a new waistcoat and pantaloons.</p>
<p>But it does not produce the same effect upon me. I know not how it is, but
I hope in time I shall like it better.</p>
<p>SEPTEMBER 12.</p>
<p>She has been absent for some days. She went to meet Albert. To-day I
visited her: she rose to receive me, and I kissed her hand most tenderly.</p>
<p>A canary at the moment flew from a mirror, and settled upon her shoulder.
"Here is a new friend," she observed, while she made him perch upon her
hand: "he is a present for the children. What a dear he is! Look at him!
When I feed him, he flutters with his wings, and pecks so nicely. He
kisses me, too, only look!"</p>
<p>She held the bird to her mouth; and he pressed her sweet lips with so much
fervour that he seemed to feel the excess of bliss which he enjoyed.</p>
<p>"He shall kiss you too," she added; and then she held the bird toward me.
His little beak moved from her mouth to mine, and the delightful sensation
seemed like the forerunner of the sweetest bliss.</p>
<p>"A kiss," I observed, "does not seem to satisfy him: he wishes for food,
and seems disappointed by these unsatisfactory endearments."</p>
<p>"But he eats out of my mouth," she continued, and extended her lips to him
containing seed; and she smiled with all the charm of a being who has
allowed an innocent participation of her love.</p>
<p>I turned my face away. She should not act thus. She ought not to excite my
imagination with such displays of heavenly innocence and happiness, nor
awaken my heart from its slumbers, in which it dreams of the worthlessness
of life! And why not? Because she knows how much I love her.</p>
<p>SEPTEMBER 15.</p>
<p>It makes me wretched, Wilhelm, to think that there should be men incapable
of appreciating the few things which possess a real value in life. You
remember the walnut trees at S—, under which I used to sit with
Charlotte, during my visits to the worthy old vicar. Those glorious trees,
the very sight of which has so often filled my heart with joy, how they
adorned and refreshed the parsonage yard, with their wide-extended
branches! and how pleasing was our remembrance of the good old pastor, by
whose hands they were planted so many years ago: The schoolmaster has
frequently mentioned his name. He had it from his grandfather. He must
have been a most excellent man; and, under the shade of those old trees,
his memory was ever venerated by me. The schoolmaster informed us
yesterday, with tears in his eyes, that those trees had been felled. Yes,
cut to the ground! I could, in my wrath, have slain the monster who struck
the first stroke. And I must endure this!—I, who, if I had had two
such trees in my own court, and one had died from old age, should have
wept with real affliction. But there is some comfort left, such a thing is
sentiment, the whole village murmurs at the misfortune; and I hope the
vicar's wife will soon find, by the cessation of the villagers' presents,
how much she has wounded the feelings of the neighborhhood. It was she who
did it, the wife of the present incumbent (our good old man is dead), a
tall, sickly creature who is so far right to disregard the world, as the
world totally disregards her. The silly being affects to be learned,
pretends to examine the canonical books, lends her aid toward the
new-fashioned reformation of Christendom, moral and critical, and shrugs
up her shoulders at the mention of Lavater's enthusiasm. Her health is
destroyed, on account of which she is prevented from having any enjoyment
here below. Only such a creature could have cut down my walnut trees! I
can never pardon it. Hear her reasons. The falling leaves made the court
wet and dirty; the branches obstructed the light; boys threw stones at the
nuts when they were ripe, and the noise affected her nerves; and disturbed
her profound meditations, when she was weighing the difficulties of
Kennicot, Semler, and Michaelis. Finding that all the parish, particularly
the old people, were displeased, I asked "why they allowed it?" "Ah, sir!"
they replied, "when the steward orders, what can we poor peasants do?" But
one thing has happened well. The steward and the vicar (who, for once,
thought to reap some advantage from the caprices of his wife) intended to
divide the trees between them. The revenue-office, being informed of it,
revived an old claim to the ground where the trees had stood, and sold
them to the best bidder. There they still lie on the ground. If I were the
sovereign, I should know how to deal with them all, vicar, steward, and
revenue-office. Sovereign, did I say? I should, in that case, care little
about the trees that grew in the country.</p>
<p>OCTOBER 10.</p>
<p>Only to gaze upon her dark eyes is to me a source of happiness! And what
grieves me, is, that Albert does not seem so happy as he—hoped to be—as
I should have been—if—I am no friend to these pauses, but here
I cannot express it otherwise; and probably I am explicit enough.</p>
<p>OCTOBER 12.</p>
<p>Ossian has superseded Homer in my heart. To what a world does the
illustrious bard carry me! To wander over pathless wilds, surrounded by
impetuous whirlwinds, where, by the feeble light of the moon, we see the
spirits of our ancestors; to hear from the mountain-tops, mid the roar of
torrents, their plaintive sounds issuing from deep caverns, and the
sorrowful lamentations of a maiden who sighs and expires on the mossy tomb
of the warrior by whom she was adored. I meet this bard with silver hair;
he wanders in the valley; he seeks the footsteps of his fathers, and,
alas! he finds only their tombs. Then, contemplating the pale moon, as she
sinks beneath the waves of the rolling sea, the memory of bygone days
strikes the mind of the hero, days when approaching danger invigorated the
brave, and the moon shone upon his bark laden with spoils, and returning
in triumph. When I read in his countenance deep sorrow, when I see his
dying glory sink exhausted into the grave, as he inhales new and
heart-thrilling delight from his approaching union with his beloved, and
he casts a look on the cold earth and the tall grass which is so soon to
cover him, and then exclaims, "The traveller will come,—he will come
who has seen my beauty, and he will ask, 'Where is the bard, where is the
illustrious son of Fingal?' He will walk over my tomb, and will seek me in
vain!" Then, O my friend, I could instantly, like a true and noble knight,
draw my sword, and deliver my prince from the long and painful languor of
a living death, and dismiss my own soul to follow the demigod whom my hand
had set free!</p>
<p>OCTOBER 19.</p>
<p>Alas! the void the fearful void, which I feel in my bosom! Sometimes I
think, if I could only once but once, press her to my heart, this dreadful
void would be filled.</p>
<p>OCTOBER 26.</p>
<p>Yes, I feel certain, Wilhelm, and every day I become more certain, that
the existence of any being whatever is of very little consequence. A
friend of Charlotte's called to see her just now. I withdrew into a
neighbouring apartment, and took up a book; but, finding I could not read,
I sat down to write. I heard them converse in an undertone: they spoke
upon indifferent topics, and retailed the news of the town. One was going
to be married; another was ill, very ill, she had a dry cough, her face
was growing thinner daily, and she had occasional fits. "N—is very
unwell too," said Charlotte. "His limbs begin to swell already," answered
the other; and my lively imagination carried me at once to the beds of the
infirm. There I see them struggling against death, with all the agonies of
pain and horror; and these women, Wilhelm, talk of all this with as much
indifference as one would mention the death of a stranger. And when I look
around the apartment where I now am—when I see Charlotte's apparel
lying before me, and Albert's writings, and all those articles of
furniture which are so familiar to me, even to the very inkstand which I
am using,—when I think what I am to this family—everything. My
friends esteem me; I often contribute to their happiness, and my heart
seems as if it could not beat without them; and yet—-if I were to
die, if I were to be summoned from the midst of this circle, would they
feel—or how long would they feel the void which my loss would make
in their existence? How long! Yes, such is the frailty of man, that even
there, where he has the greatest consciousness of his own being, where he
makes the strongest and most forcible impression, even in the memory, in
the heart, of his beloved, there also he must perish,—vanish,—and
that quickly.</p>
<p>OCTOBER 27.</p>
<p>I could tear open my bosom with vexation to think how little we are
capable of influencing the feelings of each other. No one can communicate
to me those sensations of love, joy, rapture, and delight which I do not
naturally possess; and, though my heart may glow with the most lively
affection, I cannot make the happiness of one in whom the same warmth is
not inherent.</p>
<p>OCTOBER 27: Evening.</p>
<p>I possess so much, but my love for her absorbs it all. I possess so much,
but without her I have nothing.</p>
<p>OCTOBER 30.</p>
<p>One hundred times have I been on the point of embracing her. Heavens! what
a torment it is to see so much loveliness passing and repassing before us,
and yet not dare to lay hold of it! And laying hold is the most natural of
human instincts. Do not children touch everything they see? And I!</p>
<div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />