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<h2> BOOK II. </h2>
<h3> OCTOBER 20. </h3>
<p>We arrived here yesterday. The ambassador is indisposed, and will not go
out for some days. If he were less peevish and morose, all would be well.
I see but too plainly that Heaven has destined me to severe trials; but
courage! a light heart may bear anything. A light heart! I smile to find
such a word proceeding from my pen. A little more lightheartedness would
render me the happiest being under the sun. But must I despair of my
talents and faculties, whilst others of far inferior abilities parade
before me with the utmost self-satisfaction? Gracious Providence, to whom
I owe all my powers, why didst thou not withhold some of those blessings I
possess, and substitute in their place a feeling of self-confidence and
contentment?</p>
<p>But patience! all will yet be well; for I assure you, my dear friend, you
were right: since I have been obliged to associate continually with other
people, and observe what they do, and how they employ themselves, I have
become far better satisfied with myself. For we are so constituted by
nature, that we are ever prone to compare ourselves with others; and our
happiness or misery depends very much on the objects and persons around
us. On this account, nothing is more dangerous than solitude: there our
imagination, always disposed to rise, taking a new flight on the wings of
fancy, pictures to us a chain of beings of whom we seem the most inferior.
All things appear greater than they really are, and all seem superior to
us. This operation of the mind is quite natural: we so continually feel
our own imperfections, and fancy we perceive in others the qualities we do
not possess, attributing to them also all that we enjoy ourselves, that by
this process we form the idea of a perfect, happy man,—a man,
however, who only exists in our own imagination.</p>
<p>But when, in spite of weakness and disappointments, we set to work in
earnest, and persevere steadily, we often find, that, though obliged
continually to tack, we make more way than others who have the assistance
of wind and tide; and, in truth, there can be no greater satisfaction than
to keep pace with others or outstrip them in the race.</p>
<p>November 26.</p>
<p>I begin to find my situation here more tolerable, considering all
circumstances. I find a great advantage in being much occupied; and the
number of persons I meet, and their different pursuits, create a varied
entertainment for me. I have formed the acquaintance of the Count C—and
I esteem him more and more every day. He is a man of strong understanding
and great discernment; but, though he sees farther than other people, he
is not on that account cold in his manner, but capable of inspiring and
returning the warmest affection. He appeared interested in me on one
occasion, when I had to transact some business with him. He perceived, at
the first word, that we understood each other, and that he could converse
with me in a different tone from what he used with others. I cannot
sufficiently esteem his frank and open kindness to me. It is the greatest
and most genuine of pleasures to observe a great mind in sympathy with our
own.</p>
<p>DECEMBER 24.</p>
<p>As I anticipated, the ambassador occasions me infinite annoyance. He is
the most punctilious blockhead under heaven. He does everything step by
step, with the trifling minuteness of an old woman; and he is a man whom
it is impossible to please, because he is never pleased with himself. I
like to do business regularly and cheerfully, and, when it is finished, to
leave it. But he constantly returns my papers to me, saying, "They will
do," but recommending me to look over them again, as "one may always
improve by using a better word or a more appropriate particle." I then
lose all patience, and wish myself at the devil's. Not a conjunction, not
an adverb, must be omitted: he has a deadly antipathy to all those
transpositions of which I am so fond; and, if the music of our periods is
not tuned to the established, official key, he cannot comprehend our
meaning. It is deplorable to be connected with such a fellow.</p>
<p>My acquaintance with the Count C—is the only compensation for such
an evil. He told me frankly, the other day, that he was much displeased
with the difficulties and delays of the ambassador; that people like him
are obstacles, both to themselves and to others. "But," added he, "one
must submit, like a traveller who has to ascend a mountain: if the
mountain was not there, the road would be both shorter and pleasanter; but
there it is, and he must get over it."</p>
<p>The old man perceives the count's partiality for me: this annoys him, and,
he seizes every opportunity to depreciate the count in my hearing. I
naturally defend him, and that only makes matters worse. Yesterday he made
me indignant, for he also alluded to me. "The count," he said, "is a man
of the world, and a good man of business: his style is good, and he writes
with facility; but, like other geniuses, he has no solid learning." He
looked at me with an expression that seemed to ask if I felt the blow. But
it did not produce the desired effect: I despise a man who can think and
act in such a manner. However, I made a stand, and answered with not a
little warmth. The count, I said, was a man entitled to respect, alike for
his character and his acquirements. I had never met a person whose mind
was stored with more useful and extensive knowledge,—who had, in
fact, mastered such an infinite variety of subjects, and who yet retained
all his activity for the details of ordinary business. This was altogether
beyond his comprehension; and I took my leave, lest my anger should be too
highly excited by some new absurdity of his.</p>
<p>And you are to blame for all this, you who persuaded me to bend my neck to
this yoke by preaching a life of activity to me. If the man who plants
vegetables, and carries his corn to town on market-days, is not more
usefully employed than I am, then let me work ten years longer at the
galleys to which I am now chained.</p>
<p>Oh, the brilliant wretchedness, the weariness, that one is doomed to
witness among the silly people whom we meet in society here! The ambition
of rank! How they watch, how they toil, to gain precedence! What poor and
contemptible passions are displayed in their utter nakedness! We have a
woman here, for example, who never ceases to entertain the company with
accounts of her family and her estates. Any stranger would consider her a
silly being, whose head was turned by her pretensions to rank and
property; but she is in reality even more ridiculous, the daughter of a
mere magistrate's clerk from this neighbourhood. I cannot understand how
human beings can so debase themselves.</p>
<p>Every day I observe more and more the folly of judging of others by
ourselves; and I have so much trouble with myself, and my own heart is in
such constant agitation, that I am well content to let others pursue their
own course, if they only allow me the same privilege.</p>
<p>What provokes me most is the unhappy extent to which distinctions of rank
are carried. I know perfectly well how necessary are inequalities of
condition, and I am sensible of the advantages I myself derive therefrom;
but I would not have these institutions prove a barrier to the small
chance of happiness which I may enjoy on this earth.</p>
<p>I have lately become acquainted with a Miss B—, a very agreeable
girl, who has retained her natural manners in the midst of artificial
life. Our first conversation pleased us both equally; and, at taking
leave, I requested permission to visit her. She consented in so obliging a
manner, that I waited with impatience for the arrival of the happy moment.
She is not a native of this place, but resides here with her aunt. The
countenance of the old lady is not prepossessing. I paid her much
attention, addressing the greater part of my conversation to her; and, in
less than half an hour, I discovered what her niece subsequently
acknowledged to me, that her aged aunt, having but a small fortune, and a
still smaller share of understanding, enjoys no satisfaction except in the
pedigree of her ancestors, no protection save in her noble birth, and no
enjoyment but in looking from her castle over the heads of the humble
citizens. She was, no doubt, handsome in her youth, and in her early years
probably trifled away her time in rendering many a poor youth the sport of
her caprice: in her riper years she has submitted to the yoke of a veteran
officer, who, in return for her person and her small independence, has
spent with her what we may designate her age of brass. He is dead; and she
is now a widow, and deserted. She spends her iron age alone, and would not
be approached, except for the loveliness of her niece.</p>
<p>JANUARY 8, 1772.</p>
<p>What beings are men, whose whole thoughts are occupied with form and
ceremony, who for years together devote their mental and physical
exertions to the task of advancing themselves but one step, and
endeavouring to occupy a higher place at the table. Not that such persons
would otherwise want employment: on the contrary, they give themselves
much trouble by neglecting important business for such petty trifles. Last
week a question of precedence arose at a sledging-party, and all our
amusement was spoiled.</p>
<p>The silly creatures cannot see that it is not place which constitutes real
greatness, since the man who occupies the first place but seldom plays the
principal part. How many kings are governed by their ministers—how
many ministers by their secretaries? Who, in such cases, is really the
chief? He, as it seems to me, who can see through the others, and
possesses strength or skill enough to make their power or passions
subservient to the execution of his own designs.</p>
<p>JANUARY 20.</p>
<p>I must write to you from this place, my dear Charlotte, from a small room
in a country inn, where I have taken shelter from a severe storm. During
my whole residence in that wretched place D—, where I lived amongst
strangers,—strangers, indeed, to this heart,—I never at any
time felt the smallest inclination to correspond with you; but in this
cottage, in this retirement, in this solitude, with the snow and hail
beating against my lattice-pane, you are my first thought. The instant I
entered, your figure rose up before me, and the remembrance! O my
Charlotte, the sacred, tender remembrance! Gracious Heaven! restore to me
the happy moment of our first acquaintance.</p>
<p>Could you but see me, my dear Charlotte, in the whirl of dissipation,—how
my senses are dried up, but my heart is at no time full. I enjoy no single
moment of happiness: all is vain—nothing touches me. I stand, as it
were, before the raree-show: I see the little puppets move, and I ask
whether it is not an optical illusion. I am amused with these puppets, or,
rather, I am myself one of them: but, when I sometimes grasp my
neighbour's hand, I feel that it is not natural; and I withdraw mine with
a shudder. In the evening I say I will enjoy the next morning's sunrise,
and yet I remain in bed: in the day I promise to ramble by moonlight; and
I, nevertheless, remain at home. I know not why I rise, nor why I go to
sleep.</p>
<p>The leaven which animated my existence is gone: the charm which cheered me
in the gloom of night, and aroused me from my morning slumbers, is for
ever fled.</p>
<p>I have found but one being here to interest me, a Miss B—. She
resembles you, my dear Charlotte, if any one can possibly resemble you.
"Ah!" you will say, "he has learned how to pay fine compliments." And this
is partly true. I have been very agreeable lately, as it was not in my
power to be otherwise. I have, moreover, a deal of wit: and the ladies say
that no one understands flattery better, or falsehoods you will add; since
the one accomplishment invariably accompanies the other. But I must tell
you of Miss B—. She has abundance of soul, which flashes from her
deep blue eyes. Her rank is a torment to her, and satisfies no one desire
of her heart. She would gladly retire from this whirl of fashion, and we
often picture to ourselves a life of undisturbed happiness in distant
scenes of rural retirement: and then we speak of you, my dear Charlotte;
for she knows you, and renders homage to your merits; but her homage is
not exacted, but voluntary, she loves you, and delights to hear you made
the subject of conversation.</p>
<p>Oh, that I were sitting at your feet in your favourite little room, with
the dear children playing around us! If they became troublesome to you, I
would tell them some appalling goblin story; and they would crowd round me
with silent attention. The sun is setting in glory; his last rays are
shining on the snow, which covers the face of the country: the storm is
over, and I must return to my dungeon. Adieu!—Is Albert with you?
and what is he to you? God forgive the question.</p>
<p>FEBRUARY 8.</p>
<p>For a week past we have had the most wretched weather: but this to me is a
blessing; for, during my residence here, not a single fine day has beamed
from the heavens, but has been lost to me by the intrusion of somebody.
During the severity of rain, sleet, frost, and storm, I congratulate
myself that it cannot be worse indoors than abroad, nor worse abroad than
it is within doors; and so I become reconciled. When the sun rises bright
in the morning, and promises a glorious day, I never omit to exclaim,
"There, now, they have another blessing from Heaven, which they will be
sure to destroy: they spoil everything,—health, fame, happiness,
amusement; and they do this generally through folly, ignorance, or
imbecility, and always, according to their own account, with the best
intentions!" I could often beseech them, on my bended knees, to be less
resolved upon their own destruction.</p>
<p>FEBRUARY 17.</p>
<p>I fear that my ambassador and I shall not continue much longer together.
He is really growing past endurance. He transacts his business in so
ridiculous a manner, that I am often compelled to contradict him, and do
things my own way; and then, of course, he thinks them very ill done. He
complained of me lately on this account at court; and the minister gave me
a reprimand,—a gentle one it is true, but still a reprimand. In
consequence of this, I was about to tender my resignation, when I received
a letter, to which I submitted with great respect, on account of the high,
noble, and generous spirit which dictated it. He endeavoured to soothe my
excessive sensibility, paid a tribute to my extreme ideas of duty, of good
example, and of perseverance in business, as the fruit of my youthful
ardour, an impulse which he did not seek to destroy, but only to moderate,
that it might have proper play and be productive of good. So now I am at
rest for another week, and no longer at variance with myself. Content and
peace of mind are valuable things: I could wish, my dear friend, that
these precious jewels were less transitory.</p>
<p>FEBRUARY 20.</p>
<p>God bless you, my dear friends, and may he grant you that happiness which
he denies to me!</p>
<p>I thank you, Albert, for having deceived me. I waited for the news that
your wedding-day was fixed; and I intended on that day, with solemnity, to
take down Charlotte's profile from the wall, and to bury it with some
other papers I possess. You are now united, and her picture still remains
here. Well, let it remain! Why should it not? I know that I am still one
of your society, that I still occupy a place uninjured in Charlotte's
heart, that I hold the second place therein; and I intend to keep it. Oh,
I should become mad if she could forget! Albert, that thought is hell!
Farewell, Albert farewell, angel of heaven farewell, Charlotte!</p>
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