<p>JULY 1.</p>
<p>The consolation Charlotte can bring to an invalid I experience from my own
heart, which suffers more from her absence than many a poor creature
lingering on a bed of sickness. She is gone to spend a few days in the
town with a very worthy woman, who is given over by the physicians, and
wishes to have Charlotte near her in her last moments. I accompanied her
last week on a visit to the Vicar of S—, a small village in the
mountains, about a league hence. We arrived about four o'clock: Charlotte
had taken her little sister with her. When we entered the vicarage court,
we found the good old man sitting on a bench before the door, under the
shade of two large walnut-trees. At the sight of Charlotte he seemed to
gain new life, rose, forgot his stick, and ventured to walk toward her.
She ran to him, and made him sit down again; then, placing herself by his
side, she gave him a number of messages from her father, and then caught
up his youngest child, a dirty, ugly little thing, the joy of his old age,
and kissed it. I wish you could have witnessed her attention to this old
man,—how she raised her voice on account of his deafness; how she
told him of healthy young people, who had been carried off when it was
least expected; praised the virtues of Carlsbad, and commended his
determination to spend the ensuing summer there; and assured him that he
looked better and stronger than he did when she saw him last. I, in the
meantime, paid attention to his good lady. The old man seemed quite in
spirits; and as I could not help admiring the beauty of the walnut-trees,
which formed such an agreeable shade over our heads, he began, though with
some little difficulty, to tell us their history. "As to the oldest," said
he, "we do not know who planted it,—some say one clergyman, and some
another: but the younger one, there behind us, is exactly the age of my
wife, fifty years old next October; her father planted it in the morning,
and in the evening she came into the world. My wife's father was my
predecessor here, and I cannot tell you how fond he was of that tree; and
it is fully as dear to me. Under the shade of that very tree, upon a log
of wood, my wife was seated knitting, when I, a poor student, came into
this court for the first time, just seven and twenty years ago." Charlotte
inquired for his daughter. He said she was gone with Herr Schmidt to the
meadows, and was with the haymakers. The old man then resumed his story,
and told us how his predecessor had taken a fancy to him, as had his
daughter likewise; and how he had become first his curate, and
subsequently his successor. He had scarcely finished his story when his
daughter returned through the garden, accompanied by the above-mentioned
Herr Schmidt. She welcomed Charlotte affectionately, and I confess I was
much taken with her appearance. She was a lively-looking, good-humoured
brunette, quite competent to amuse one for a short time in the country.
Her lover (for such Herr Schmidt evidently appeared to be) was a polite,
reserved personage, and would not join our conversation, notwithstanding
all Charlotte's endeavours to draw him out. I was much annoyed at
observing, by his countenance, that his silence did not arise from want of
talent, but from caprice and ill-humour. This subsequently became very
evident, when we set out to take a walk, and Frederica joining Charlotte,
with whom I was talking, the worthy gentleman's face, which was naturally
rather sombre, became so dark and angry that Charlotte was obliged to
touch my arm, and remind me that I was talking too much to Frederica.
Nothing distresses me more than to see men torment each other;
particularly when in the flower of their age, in the very season of
pleasure, they waste their few short days of sunshine in quarrels and
disputes, and only perceive their error when it is too late to repair it.
This thought dwelt upon my mind; and in the evening, when we returned to
the vicar's, and were sitting round the table with our bread end milk, the
conversation turned on the joys and sorrows of the world, I could not
resist the temptation to inveigh bitterly against ill-humour. "We are
apt," said I, "to complain, but—with very little cause, that our
happy days are few, and our evil days many. If our hearts were always
disposed to receive the benefits Heaven sends us, we should acquire
strength to support evil when it comes." "But," observed the vicar's wife,
"we cannot always command our tempers, so much depends upon the
constitution: when the body suffers, the mind is ill at ease." "I
acknowledge that," I continued; "but we must consider such a disposition
in the light of a disease, and inquire whether there is no remedy for it."</p>
<p>"I should be glad to hear one," said Charlotte: "at least, I think very
much depends upon ourselves; I know it is so with me. When anything annoys
me, and disturbs my temper, I hasten into the garden, hum a couple of
country dances, and it is all right with me directly." "That is what I
meant," I replied; "ill-humour resembles indolence: it is natural to us;
but if once we have courage to exert ourselves, we find our work run fresh
from our hands, and we experience in the activity from which we shrank a
real enjoyment." Frederica listened very attentively: and the young man
objected, that we were not masters of ourselves, and still less so of our
feelings. "The question is about a disagreeable feeling," I added, "from
which every one would willingly escape, but none know their own power
without trial. Invalids are glad to consult physicians, and submit to the
most scrupulous regimen, the most nauseous medicines, in order to recover
their health." I observed that the good old man inclined his head, and
exerted himself to hear our discourse; so I raised my voice, and addressed
myself directly to him. "We preach against a great many crimes," I
observed, "but I never remember a sermon delivered against ill-humour."
"That may do very well for your town clergymen," said he: "country people
are never ill-humoured; though, indeed, it might be useful, occasionally,
to my wife for instance, and the judge." We all laughed, as did he
likewise very cordially, till he fell into a fit of coughing, which
interrupted our conversation for a time. Herr Schmidt resumed the subject.
"You call ill humour a crime," he remarked, "but I think you use too
strong a term." "Not at all," I replied, "if that deserves the name which
is so pernicious to ourselves and our neighbours. Is it not enough that we
want the power to make one another happy, must we deprive each other of
the pleasure which we can all make for ourselves? Show me the man who has
the courage to hide his ill-humour, who bears the whole burden himself,
without disturbing the peace of those around him. No: ill-humour arises
from an inward consciousness of our own want of merit, from a discontent
which ever accompanies that envy which foolish vanity engenders. We see
people happy, whom we have not made so, and cannot endure the sight."
Charlotte looked at me with a smile; she observed the emotion with which I
spoke: and a tear in the eyes of Frederica stimulated me to proceed. "Woe
unto those," I said, "who use their power over a human heart to destroy
the simple pleasures it would naturally enjoy! All the favours, all the
attentions, in the world cannot compensate for the loss of that happiness
which a cruel tyranny has destroyed." My heart was full as I spoke. A
recollection of many things which had happened pressed upon my mind, and
filled my eyes with tears. "We should daily repeat to ourselves," I
exclaimed, "that we should not interfere with our friends, unless to leave
them in possession of their own joys, and increase their happiness by
sharing it with them! But when their souls are tormented by a violent
passion, or their hearts rent with grief, is it in your power to afford
them the slightest consolation?</p>
<p>"And when the last fatal malady seizes the being whose untimely grave you
have prepared, when she lies languid and exhausted before you, her dim
eyes raised to heaven, and the damp of death upon her pallid brow, there
you stand at her bedside like a condemned criminal, with the bitter
feeling that your whole fortune could not save her; and the agonising
thought wrings you, that all your efforts are powerless to impart even a
moment's strength to the departing soul, or quicken her with a transitory
consolation."</p>
<p>At these words the remembrance of a similar scene at which I had been once
present fell with full force upon my heart. I buried my face in my
handkerchief, and hastened from the room, and was only recalled to my
recollection by Charlotte's voice, who reminded me that it was time to
return home. With what tenderness she chid me on the way for the too eager
interest I took in everything! She declared it would do me injury, and
that I ought to spare myself. Yes, my angel! I will do so for your sake.</p>
<p>JULY 6.</p>
<p>She is still with her dying friend, and is still the same bright,
beautiful creature whose presence softens pain, and sheds happiness around
whichever way she turns. She went out yesterday with her little sisters: I
knew it, and went to meet them; and we walked together. In about an hour
and a half we returned to the town. We stopped at the spring I am so fond
of, and which is now a thousand times dearer to me than ever. Charlotte
seated herself upon the low wall, and we gathered about her. I looked
around, and recalled the time when my heart was unoccupied and free. "Dear
fountain!" I said, "since that time I have no more come to enjoy cool
repose by thy fresh stream: I have passed thee with careless steps, and
scarcely bestowed a glance upon thee." I looked down, and observed
Charlotte's little sister, Jane, coming up the steps with a glass of
water. I turned toward Charlotte, and I felt her influence over me. Jane
at the moment approached with the glass. Her sister, Marianne, wished to
take it from her. "No!" cried the child, with the sweetest expression of
face, "Charlotte must drink first."</p>
<p>The affection and simplicity with which this was uttered so charmed me,
that I sought to express my feelings by catching up the child and kissing
her heartily. She was frightened, and began to cry. "You should not do
that," said Charlotte: I felt perplexed. "Come, Jane," she continued,
taking her hand, and leading her down the steps again, "it is no matter:
wash yourself quickly in the fresh water." I stood and watched them; and
when I saw the little dear rubbing her cheeks with her wet hands, in full
belief that all the impurities contracted from my ugly beard would be
washed off by the miraculous water, and how, though Charlotte said it
would do, she continued still to wash with all her might, as though she
thought too much were better than too little, I assure you, Wilhelm, I
never attended a baptism with greater reverence; and, when Charlotte came
up from the well, I could have prostrated myself as before the prophet of
an Eastern nation.</p>
<p>In the evening I would not resist telling the story to a person who, I
thought, possessed some natural feeling, because he was a man of
understanding. But what a mistake I made. He maintained it was very wrong
of Charlotte, that we should not deceive children, that such things
occasioned countless mistakes and superstitions, from which we were bound
to protect the young. It occurred to me then, that this very man had been
baptised only a week before; so I said nothing further, but maintained the
justice of my own convictions. We should deal with children as God deals
with us, we are happiest under the influence of innocent delusions.</p>
<p>JULY 8.</p>
<p>What a child is man that he should be so solicitous about a look! What a
child is man! We had been to Walheim: the ladies went in a carriage; but
during our walk I thought I saw in Charlotte's dark eyes—I am a fool—but
forgive me! you should see them,—those eyes.—However, to be
brief (for my own eyes are weighed down with sleep), you must know, when
the ladies stepped into their carriage again, young W. Seldstadt, Andran,
and I were standing about the door. They are a merry set of fellows, and
they were all laughing and joking together. I watched Charlotte's eyes.
They wandered from one to the other; but they did not light on me, on me,
who stood there motionless, and who saw nothing but her! My heart bade her
a thousand times adieu, but she noticed me not. The carriage drove off;
and my eyes filled with tears. I looked after her: suddenly I saw
Charlotte's bonnet leaning out of the window, and she turned to look back,
was it at me? My dear friend, I know not; and in this uncertainty I find
consolation. Perhaps she turned to look at me. Perhaps! Good-night—what
a child I am!</p>
<p>JULY 10.</p>
<p>You should see how foolish I look in company when her name is mentioned,
particularly when I am asked plainly how I like her. How I like her! I
detest the phrase. What sort of creature must he be who merely liked
Charlotte, whose whole heart and senses were not entirely absorbed by her.
Like her! Some one asked me lately how I liked Ossian.</p>
<p>JULY 11.</p>
<p>Madame M—is very ill. I pray for her recovery, because Charlotte
shares my sufferings. I see her occasionally at my friend's house, and
to-day she has told me the strangest circumstance. Old M—is a
covetous, miserly fellow, who has long worried and annoyed the poor lady
sadly; but she has borne her afflictions patiently. A few days ago, when
the physician informed us that her recovery was hopeless, she sent for her
husband (Charlotte was present), and addressed him thus: "I have something
to confess, which, after my decease, may occasion trouble and confusion. I
have hitherto conducted your household as frugally and economically as
possible, but you must pardon me for having defrauded you for thirty
years. At the commencement of our married life, you allowed a small sum
for the wants of the kitchen, and the other household expenses. When our
establishment increased and our property grew larger, I could not persuade
you to increase the weekly allowance in proportion: in short, you know,
that, when our wants were greatest, you required me to supply everything
with seven florins a week. I took the money from you without an
observation, but made up the weekly deficiency from the money-chest; as
nobody would suspect your wife of robbing the household bank. But I have
wasted nothing, and should have been content to meet my eternal Judge
without this confession, if she, upon whom the management of your
establishment will devolve after my decease, would be free from
embarrassment upon your insisting that the allowance made to me, your
former wife, was sufficient."</p>
<p>I talked with Charlotte of the inconceivable manner in which men allow
themselves to be blinded; how any one could avoid suspecting some
deception, when seven florins only were allowed to defray expenses twice
as great. But I have myself known people who believed, without any visible
astonishment, that their house possessed the prophet's never-failing cruse
of oil.</p>
<p>JULY 13.</p>
<p>No, I am not deceived. In her dark eyes I read a genuine interest in me
and in my fortunes. Yes, I feel it; and I may believe my own heart which
tells me—dare I say it?—dare I pronounce the divine words?—that
she loves me!</p>
<p>That she loves me! How the idea exalts me in my own eyes! And, as you can
understand my feelings, I may say to you, how I honour myself since she
loves me!</p>
<p>Is this presumption, or is it a consciousness of the truth? I do not know
a man able to supplant me in the heart of Charlotte; and yet when she
speaks of her betrothed with so much warmth and affection, I feel like the
soldier who has been stripped of his honours and titles, and deprived of
his sword.</p>
<p>JULY 16.</p>
<p>How my heart beats when by accident I touch her finger, or my feet meet
hers under the table! I draw back as if from a furnace; but a secret force
impels me forward again, and my senses become disordered. Her innocent,
unconscious heart never knows what agony these little familiarities
inflict upon me. Sometimes when we are talking she lays her hand upon
mine, and in the eagerness of conversation comes closer to me, and her
balmy breath reaches my lips,—when I feel as if lightning had struck
me, and that I could sink into the earth. And yet, Wilhelm, with all this
heavenly confidence,—if I know myself, and should ever dare—you
understand me. No, no! my heart is not so corrupt, it is weak, weak enough
but is not that a degree of corruption?</p>
<p>She is to me a sacred being. All passion is still in her presence: I
cannot express my sensations when I am near her. I feel as if my soul beat
in every nerve of my body. There is a melody which she plays on the piano
with angelic skill,—so simple is it, and yet so spiritual! It is her
favourite air; and, when she plays the first note, all pain, care, and
sorrow disappear from me in a moment.</p>
<p>I believe every word that is said of the magic of ancient music. How her
simple song enchants me! Sometimes, when I am ready to commit suicide, she
sings that air; and instantly the gloom and madness which hung over me are
dispersed, and I breathe freely again.</p>
<p>JULY 18.</p>
<p>Wilhelm, what is the world to our hearts without love? What is a
magic-lantern without light? You have but to kindle the flame within, and
the brightest figures shine on the white wall; and, if love only show us
fleeting shadows, we are yet happy, when, like mere children, we behold
them, and are transported with the splendid phantoms. I have not been able
to see Charlotte to-day. I was prevented by company from which I could not
disengage myself. What was to be done? I sent my servant to her house,
that I might at least see somebody to-day who had been near her. Oh, the
impatience with which I waited for his return! the joy with which I
welcomed him! I should certainly have caught him in my arms, and kissed
him, if I had not been ashamed.</p>
<p>It is said that the Bonona stone, when placed in the sun, attracts the
rays, and for a time appears luminous in the dark. So was it with me and
this servant. The idea that Charlotte's eyes had dwelt on his countenance,
his cheek, his very apparel, endeared them all inestimably to me, so that
at the moment I would not have parted from him for a thousand crowns. His
presence made me so happy! Beware of laughing at me, Wilhelm. Can that be
a delusion which makes us happy?</p>
<p>JULY 19.</p>
<p>"I shall see her today!" I exclaim with delight, when I rise in the
morning, and look out with gladness of heart at the bright, beautiful sun.
"I shall see her today!" And then I have no further wish to form: all, all
is included in that one thought.</p>
<p>JULY 20.</p>
<p>I cannot assent to your proposal that I should accompany the ambassador to
———. I do not love subordination; and we all know that
he is a rough, disagreeable person to be connected with. You say my mother
wishes me to be employed. I could not help laughing at that. Am I not
sufficiently employed? And is it not in reality the same, whether I shell
peas or count lentils? The world runs on from one folly to another; and
the man who, solely from regard to the opinion of others, and without any
wish or necessity of his own, toils after gold, honour, or any other
phantom, is no better than a fool.</p>
<p>JULY 24.</p>
<p>You insist so much on my not neglecting my drawing, that it would be as
well for me to say nothing as to confess how little I have lately done.</p>
<p>I never felt happier, I never understood nature better, even down to the
veriest stem or smallest blade of grass; and yet I am unable to express
myself: my powers of execution are so weak, everything seems to swim and
float before me, so that I cannot make a clear, bold outline. But I fancy
I should succeed better if I had some clay or wax to model. I shall try,
if this state of mind continues much longer, and will take to modelling,
if I only knead dough.</p>
<p>I have commenced Charlotte's portrait three times, and have as often
disgraced myself. This is the more annoying, as I was formerly very happy
in taking likenesses. I have since sketched her profile, and must content
myself with that.</p>
<p>JULY 25.</p>
<p>Yes, dear Charlotte! I will order and arrange everything. Only give me
more commissions, the more the better. One thing, however, I must request:
use no more writing-sand with the dear notes you send me. Today I raised
your letter hastily to my lips, and it set my teeth on edge.</p>
<p>JULY 26.</p>
<p>I have often determined not to see her so frequently. But who could keep
such a resolution? Every day I am exposed to the temptation, and promise
faithfully that to-morrow I will really stay away: but, when tomorrow
comes, I find some irresistible reason for seeing her; and, before I can
account for it, I am with her again. Either she has said on the previous
evening "You will be sure to call to-morrow,"—and who could stay
away then?—or she gives me some commission, and I find it essential
to take her the answer in person; or the day is fine, and I walk to
Walheim; and, when I am there, it is only half a league farther to her. I
am within the charmed atmosphere, and soon find myself at her side. My
grandmother used to tell us a story of a mountain of loadstone. When any
vessels came near it, they were instantly deprived of their ironwork: the
nails flew to the mountain, and the unhappy crew perished amidst the
disjointed planks.</p>
<p>JULY 30.</p>
<p>Albert is arrived, and I must take my departure. Were he the best and
noblest of men, and I in every respect his inferior, I could not endure to
see him in possession of such a perfect being. Possession!—enough,
Wilhelm: her betrothed is here,—a fine, worthy fellow, whom one
cannot help liking. Fortunately I was not present at their meeting. It
would have broken my heart! And he is so considerate: he has not given
Charlotte one kiss in my presence. Heaven reward him for it! I must love
him for the respect with which he treats her. He shows a regard for me,
but for this I suspect I am more indebted to Charlotte than to his own
fancy for me. Women have a delicate tact in such matters, and it should be
so. They cannot always succeed in keeping two rivals on terms with each
other; but, when they do, they are the only gainers.</p>
<p>I cannot help esteeming Albert. The coolness of his temper contrasts
strongly with the impetuosity of mine, which I cannot conceal. He has a
great deal of feeling, and is fully sensible of the treasure he possesses
in Charlotte. He is free from ill-humour, which you know is the fault I
detest most.</p>
<p>He regards me as a man of sense; and my attachment to Charlotte, and the
interest I take in all that concerns her, augment his triumph and his
love. I shall not inquire whether he may not at times tease her with some
little jealousies; as I know, that, were I in his place, I should not be
entirely free from such sensations.</p>
<p>But, be that as it may, my pleasure with Charlotte is over. Call it folly
or infatuation, what signifies a name? The thing speaks for itself. Before
Albert came, I knew all that I know now. I knew I could make no
pretensions to her, nor did I offer any, that is, as far as it was
possible, in the presence of so much loveliness, not to pant for its
enjoyment. And now, behold me like a silly fellow, staring with
astonishment when another comes in, and deprives me of my love.</p>
<p>I bite my lips, and feel infinite scorn for those who tell me to be
resigned, because there is no help for it. Let me escape from the yoke of
such silly subterfuges! I ramble through the woods; and when I return to
Charlotte, and find Albert sitting by her side in the summer-house in the
garden, I am unable to bear it, behave like a fool, and commit a thousand
extravagances. "For Heaven's sake," said Charlotte today, "let us have no
more scenes like those of last night! You terrify me when you are so
violent." Between ourselves, I am always away now when he visits her: and
I feel delighted when I find her alone.</p>
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