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Excuse Me! (Dramatic Reading)

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227 <h3 class="p6">CHAPTER XXXI FOILED YET AGAIN</h3> Mallory had fled from the scene at the first hum of the minister's words. His fate was like alkali on his palate. For twelve hundred miles he had ransacked the world for a minister. When one dropped on the train like manna through the roof, even this miracle had to be checkmated by a perverse miracle that sent to the train an early infatuation, a silly affair that he himself called puppy-love. And now Marjorie would never marry him. He did not blame her. He blamed fate. He was in solitude in the smoking room. The place reeked with drifting tobacco smoke and the malodor of cigar stubs and cigarette ends. His plans were as useless and odious as cigarette ends. He dropped into a chair his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands—Napoleon on St. Helena. And then, suddenly he heard Marjorie's voice. He turned and saw her hesitating in the doorway. He rose to welcome her, but the smile died on his lips at her chilly speech: 228 "May I have a word with you, sir?" "Of course. The air's rather thick in here," he apologized. "Just wait!" she said, ominously, and stalked in like a young Zenobia. He put out an appealing hand: "Now, Marjorie, listen to reason. Of course I know you won't marry me now." "Oh, you know that, do you?" she said, with a squared jaw. "But, really, you ought to marry me—not merely because I love you—and you're the only girl I ever——" He stopped short and she almost smiled as she taunted him: "Go on—I dare you to say it." He swallowed hard and waived the point: "Well, anyway, you ought to marry me—for your own sake." Then she took his breath away by answering: "Oh, I'm going to marry you, never fear." "You are," he cried, with a rush of returning hope. "Oh, I knew you loved me." She pushed his encircling arms aside: "I don't love you, and that's why I'm going to marry you." "But I don't understand." "Of course not," she sneered, as if she were a thousand years old, "you're only a man—and a very young man." "You've ceased to love me," he protested, "just because of a little affair I had before I met you?" Marjorie answered with world-old wisdom: "A 229 woman can forgive a man anything except what he did before he met her." He stared at her with masculine dismay at feminine logic: "If you can't forgive me, then why do you marry me?" "For revenge!" she cried. "You brought me on this train all this distance to introduce me to a girl you used to spoon with. And I don't like her. She's awful!" "Yes, she is awful," Mallory assented. "I don't know how I ever——" "Oh, you admit it!" "No." "Well, I'm going to marry you—now—this minute—with that preacher, then I'm going to get off at Reno and divorce you." "Divorce me! Good Lord! On what grounds?" "On the grounds of Miss Kitty—Katty—Llewellington—or whatever her name is." Mallory was groggy with punishment, and the vain effort to foresee her next blow. "But you can't name a woman that way," he pleaded, "for just being nice to me before I ever met you." "That's the worst kind of unfaithfulness," she reiterated. "You should have known that some day you would meet me. You should have saved your first love for me." "But last love is best," Mallory interposed, weakly. 230 "Oh, no, it isn't, and if it is, how do I know I'm to be your last love? No, sir, when I've divorced you, you can go back to your first love and go round the world with her till you get dizzy." "But I don't want her for a wife," Mallory urged, "I want you." "You'll get me—but not for long. And one other thing, I want you to get that bracelet away from that creature. Do you promise?" "How can I get it away?" "Take it away! Do you promise?" Mallory surrendered completely. Anything to get Marjorie safely into his arms: "I promise anything, if you'll really marry me." "Oh, I'll marry you, sir, but not really." And while he stared in helpless awe at the cynic and termagant that jealousy had metamorphosed this timid, clinging creature into, they heard the conductor's voice at the rear door of the car: "Hurry up—we've got to start." They heard Lathrop's protest: "Hold on there, conductor," and Selby's plea: "Oh, I say, my good man, wait a moment, can't you?" The conductor answered with the gruffness of a despot: "Not a minute. I've my orders to make up lost time. All aboard!" While the minister was tying the last loose ends of the matrimonial knot, Mallory and Marjorie were struggling through the crowd to get at him. 231 Just as they were near, they were swept aside by the rush of the bride and groom, for the parson's "I pronounce you man and wife," pronounced as he backed toward the door, was the signal for another wedding riot. Once more Ira and Anne were showered with rice. This time it was their own. Ira darted out into the corridor, haling his brand-new wife by the wrist, and the wedding guests pursued them across the vestibule, through the next car, and on, and on. Nobody remained to notice what happened to the parson. Having performed his function, he was without further interest or use. But to Mallory and Marjorie he was vitally necessary. Mallory caught his hand as it turned the knob of the door and drew him back. Marjorie, equally determined, caught his other elbow: "Please don't go," Mallory urged, "until you've married us." The Reverend Charles stared at his captors in amazement: "But my dear man, the train's moving." Marjorie clung all the tighter and invited him to "Come on to the next stop." "But my dear lady," Selby gasped, "it's impossible." "You've just got to," Mallory insisted. "Release me, please." "Never!" 232 "How dare you!" the parson shrieked, and with a sudden wriggle writhed out of his coat, leaving it in Marjorie's hands. He darted to the door and flung it open, with Mallory hot after him. The train was kicking up a cloud of dust and getting its stride. The kidnapped clergyman paused a moment, aghast at the speed with which the ground was being paid out. Then he climbed the brass rail and, with a hasty prayer, dropped overboard. Mallory lunged at him, and seized him by his reversed collar. But the collar alone remained in his clutch. The parson was almost lost in the dust he created as he struck, bounded and rolled till he came to a stop, with his stars and his prayers to thank for injuries to nothing worse than his dignity and other small clothes. Mallory returned to the observation room and flung the collar and bib to the floor in a fury of despair, howling: "He got away! He got away!" <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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