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Excuse Me! (Dramatic Reading)

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60 <h3 class="p6">CHAPTER VII THE MASKED MINISTER</h3> Being an angel must have this great advantage at least, that one may sit in the grandstand overlooking the earth and enjoy the ludicrous blunders of that great blind man's buff we call life. This night, if any angels were watching Chicago, the Mallory mix-up must have given them a good laugh, or a good cry—according to their natures. Here were Mallory and Marjorie, still merely engaged, bitterly regretting their inability to get married and to continue their journey together. There in the car were the giggling conspirators preparing a bridal mockery for their sweet confusion. Then the angels might have nudged one another and said: "Oh, it's all right now. There goes a minister hurrying to their very car. Mallory has the license in his pocket, and here comes the parson. Hooray!" And then the angelic cheer must have died out 61 as the one great hurrah of a crowded ball-ground is quenched in air when the home team's vitally needed home run swerves outside the line and drops useless as a stupid foul ball. In a shabby old hack, were two of the happiest runaways that ever sought a train. They were not miserable like the young couple in the taxicab. They were white-haired both. They had been married for thirty years. Yet this was their real honeymoon, their real elopement. The little woman in the timid gray bonnet clapped her hands and tittered like a schoolgirl. "Oh, Walter, I can't believe we're really going to leave Ypsilanti for a while. Oh, but you've earned it after thirty years of being a preacher." "Hush. Don't let me hear you say the awful word," said the little old man in the little black hat and the close-fitting black bib. "I'm so tired of it, Sally, I don't want anybody on the train to know it." "They can't help guessing it, with your collar buttoned behind." And then the amazing minister actually dared to say, "Here's where I change it around." What's more, he actually did it. Actually took off his collar and buttoned it to the front. The old carriage seemed almost to rock with the earthquake of the deed. "Why, Walter Temple!" his wife exclaimed. "What would they say in Ypsilanti?" 62 "They'll never know," he answered, defiantly. "But your bib?" she said. "I've thought of that, too," he cried, as he whipped it off and stuffed it into a handbag. "Look, what I've bought." And he dangled before her startled eyes a long affair which the sudden light from a passing lamppost revealed to be nothing less than a flaring red tie. The little old lady touched it to make sure she was not dreaming it. Then, omitting further parley with fate, she snatched it away, put it round his neck, and, since her arms were embracing him, kissed him twice before she knotted the ribbon into a flaming bow. She sat back and regarded the vision a moment, then flung her arms around him and hugged him till he gasped: "Watch out-watch out. Don't crush my cigars." "Cigars! Cigars!" she echoed, in a daze. And then the astounding husband produced them in proof. "Genuine Lillian Russells—five cents straight." "But I never saw you smoke." "Haven't taken a puff since I was a young fellow," he grinned, wagging his head. "But now it's my vacation, and I'm going to smoke up." She squeezed his hand with an earlier ardor: "Now you're the old Walter Temple I used to know." <div class="figcenter p6"> <ANTIMG src="images/i_065.jpg" width-obs="366" height-obs="500" alt="Now it's my vacation" /> "NOW IT'S MY VACATION, AND I'M GOING TO SMOKE UP".... </div> "Sally," he said, "I've been traveling through 63 life on a half-fare ticket. Now I'm going to have my little fling. And you brace up, too, and be the old mischievous Sally I used to know. Aren't you glad to be away from those sewing circles and gossip-bees, and——" "Ugh! Don't ever mention them," she shuddered. Then she, too, felt a tinge of recurring springtide. "If you start to smoking, I think I'll take up flirting once more." He pinched her cheek and laughed. "As the saying is, go as far as you desire and I'll leave the coast clear." He kept his promise, too, for they were no sooner on the train and snugly bestowed in section five, than he was up and off. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To the smoking-room," he swaggered, brandishing a dangerous looking cigar. "Oh, Walter," she snickered, "I feel like a young runaway." "You look like one. Be careful not to let anybody know that you're a"—he lowered his voice—"an old preacher's wife." "I'm as ashamed of it as you are," she whispered. Then he threw her a kiss and a wink. She threw him a kiss and winked, too. And he went along the aisle eyeing his cigar gloatingly. As he entered the smoking-room, lighted the weed and blew out a great puff with a sigh of rapture, who could have 64 taken him, with his feet cocked up, and his red tie rakishly askew, for a minister? And Sally herself was busy disguising herself, loosening up her hair coquettishly, smiling the primness out of the set corners of her mouth and even—let the truth be told at all costs—even passing a pink-powdered puff over her pale cheeks with guilty surreptition. Thus arrayed she was soon joining the conspirators bedecking the bower for the expected bride and groom. She was the youngest and most mischievous of the lot. She felt herself a bride again, and vowed to protect this timid little wife to come from too much hilarity at the hands of the conspirators. <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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