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Coffee and Repartee

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<h2>VIII</h2> "There's a friend of mine up near Riverdale," said the Idiot, as he unfolded his napkin and let his bill flutter from it to the floor, "who's tried to make a name for himself in literature." "What's his name?" asked the Bibliomaniac, interested at once. "That's just the trouble. He hasn't made it yet," replied the Idiot. "He hasn't succeeded in his courtship of the Muse, and beyond himself and a few friends his name is utterly unknown." <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/image014.png" width-obs="636" height-obs="426" alt="WOOING THE MUSE" title="WOOING THE MUSE" /> WOOING THE MUSE</div> "What work has he tried?" queried the School-master, pouring unadmonished two portions of skimmed milk over his oatmeal. "A little of everything. First he wrote a novel. It had an immense circulation, and he only lost $300 on it. All of his friends took a copy—I've got one that he gave me—and I believe two hundred newspapers were fortunate enough to secure the book for review. His father bought two, and tried to obtain the balance of the edition, but didn't have enough money. That was gratifying, but gratification is more apt to deplete than to strengthen a bank account." "I had not expected so extraordinarily wise an observation from one so unusually unwise," said the School-master, coldly. "Thank you," returned the Idiot. "But I think your remark is rather contradictory. You would naturally expect wise observations from the unusually unwise; that is, if your teaching that the expression 'unusually unwise' is but another form of the expression 'usually wise' is correct. But, as I was saying, when the genial instructor of youth interrupted me with his flattery," continued the Idiot, "gratification is gratifying but not filling, so my friend concluded that he had better give up novel-writing and try jokes. He kept at that a year, and managed to clear his postage-stamps. His jokes were good, but too classic for the tastes of the editors. Editors are peculiar. They have no respect for age—particularly in the matter of jests. Some of my friend's[Pg 74] jokes had seemed good enough for Plutarch to print when he had a publisher at his mercy, but they didn't seem to suit the high and mighty products of this age who sit in judgment on such things in the comic-paper offices. So he gave up jokes." "Does he still know you?" asked the landlady. "Yes, madame," observed the Idiot. "Then he hasn't given up all jokes," she retorted, with fine scorn. <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/image015.png" width-obs="401" height-obs="661" alt=""'HE GAVE UP JOKES'"" title=""'HE GAVE UP JOKES'"" /> "'HE GAVE UP JOKES'"</div> "Tee-he-hee!" laughed the School-master. "Pretty good, Mrs. Smithers—pretty good." "Yes," said the Idiot. "That is good, and, by Jove! it differs from your butter, Mrs. Smithers, because it's entirely fresh. It's good enough to print, and I don't think the butter is." "What did your friend do next?" asked Mr. Whitechoker. "He was employed by a funeral director in Philadelphia to write obituary verses for memorial cards." "And was he successful?" "For a time; but he lost his position because of an error made by a careless compositor in a marble-yard. He had written, <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> "'Here lies the hero of a hundred fights— Approximated he a perfect man; He fought for country and his country's rights, And in the hottest battles led the van.'" </div> </div> "Fine in sentiment and in execution!" observed Mr. Whitechoker. "Truly so," returned the Idiot. "But when the compositor in the marble-yard got it engraved on the monument, my friend was away, and when the army post that was to pay the bill received the monument, the quatrain read, <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> "'Here lies the hero of a hundred flights— Approximated he a perfect one; He fought his country and his country's rights, And in the hottest battles led the run.'" </div> </div> "Awful!" ejaculated the Minister. "Dreadful!" said the landlady, forgetting to be sarcastic. "What happened?" asked the School-master. "He was bounced, of course, without a cent of pay, and the company failed the next week, so he couldn't make anything by suing for what they owed him." "Mighty hard luck," said the Bibliomaniac. "Very; but there was one bright side to the case," observed the Idiot. "He managed to sell both versions of the quatrain afterwards for five dollars. He sold the original one to a religious weekly for a dollar, and got four dollars for the other one from a comic paper. Then he wrote an anecdote about the whole thing for a Sunday newspaper, and got three dollars more out of it." "And what is your friend doing now?" asked the Doctor. "Oh, he's making a mint of money now, but no name." "In literature?" "Yes. He writes advertisements on salary," returned the Idiot. "He is writing now a recommendation of tooth-powder in Indian dialect." "Why didn't he try writing an epic?" said the Bibliomaniac. "Because," replied the Idiot, "the one aim of his life has been to be original, and[Pg 78] he couldn't reconcile that with epic poetry." At which remark the landlady stooped over, and recovering the Idiot's bill from under the table, called the maid, and ostentatiously requested her to hand it to the Idiot. He, taking a cigarette from his pocket, thanked the maid for the attention, and rolling the slip into a taper, thoughtfully stuck one end of it into the alcohol light under the coffee-pot, and lighting the cigarette with it, walked nonchalantly from the room. <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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