<h2> <SPAN name="afterdinner" id="afterdinner"></SPAN>AFTER-DINNER SPEECH </h2>
<h3> [AT A FOURTH OF JULY GATHERING, IN LONDON, OF AMERICANS] </h3>
<p><br/></p>
<p>MR. CHAIRMAN AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: I thank you for the compliment
which has just been tendered me, and to show my appreciation of it I will
not afflict you with many words. It is pleasant to celebrate in this
peaceful way, upon this old mother soil, the anniversary of an experiment
which was born of war with this same land so long ago, and wrought out to
a successful issue by the devotion of our ancestors. It has taken nearly a
hundred years to bring the English and Americans into kindly and mutually
appreciative relations, but I believe it has been accomplished at last. It
was a great step when the two last misunderstandings were settled by
arbitration instead of cannon. It is another great step when England
adopts our sewing-machines without claiming the invention—as usual.
It was another when they imported one of our sleeping-cars the other day.
And it warmed my heart more than I can tell, yesterday, when I witnessed
the spectacle of an Englishman ordering an American sherry cobbler of his
own free will and accord—and not only that but with a great brain
and a level head reminding the barkeeper not to forget the strawberries.
With a common origin, a common language, a common literature, a common
religion and—common drinks, what is longer needful to the cementing
of the two nations together in a permanent bond of brotherhood?</p>
<p>This is an age of progress, and ours is a progressive land. A great and
glorious land, too—a land which has developed a Washington, a
Franklin, a William M. Tweed, a Longfellow, a Motley, a Jay Gould, a
Samuel C. Pomeroy, a recent Congress which has never had its equal (in
some respects), and a United States Army which conquered sixty Indians in
eight months by tiring them out—which is much better than
uncivilized slaughter, God knows. We have a criminal jury system which is
superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the
difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and
can't read. And I may observe that we have an insanity plea that would
have saved Cain. I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have some
legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world.</p>
<p>I refer with effusion to our railway system, which consents to let us
live, though it might do the opposite, being our owners. It only destroyed
three thousand and seventy lives last year by collisions, and twenty-seven
thousand two hundred and sixty by running over heedless and unnecessary
people at crossings. The companies seriously regretted the killing of
these thirty thousand people, and went so far as to pay for some of them—voluntarily,
of course, for the meanest of us would not claim that we possess a court
treacherous enough to enforce a law against a railway company. But, thank
Heaven, the railway companies are generally disposed to do the right and
kindly thing without compulsion. I know of an instance which greatly
touched me at the time. After an accident the company sent home the
remains of a dear distant old relative of mine in a basket, with the
remark, "Please state what figure you hold him at—and return the
basket." Now there couldn't be anything friendlier than that.</p>
<p>But I must not stand here and brag all night. However, you won't mind a
body bragging a little about his country on the fourth of July. It is a
fair and legitimate time to fly the eagle. I will say only one more word
of brag—and a hopeful one. It is this. We have a form of government
which gives each man a fair chance and no favor. With us no individual is
born with a right to look down upon his neighbor and hold him in contempt.
Let such of us as are not dukes find our consolation in that. And we may
find hope for the future in the fact that as unhappy as is the condition
of our political morality to-day, England has risen up out of a far fouler
since the days when Charles I. ennobled courtesans and all political place
was a matter of bargain and sale. There is hope for us yet.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>[At least the above is the speech which I was going to make, but our
minister, General Schenck, presided, and after the blessing, got up and
made a great long inconceivably dull harangue, and wound up by saying
that inasmuch as speech-making did not seem to exhilarate the guests
much, all further oratory would be dispensed with during the evening,
and we could just sit and talk privately to our elbow-neighbors and have
a good sociable time. It is known that in consequence of that remark
forty-four perfected speeches died in the womb. The depression, the
gloom, the solemnity that reigned over the banquet from that time forth
will be a lasting memory with many that were there. By that one
thoughtless remark General Schenck lost forty-four of the best friends
he had in England. More than one said that night, "And this is the sort
of person that is sent to represent us in a great sister empire!"]</p>
</blockquote>
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