<p><SPAN name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"></SPAN></p>
<h2> To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon. </h2>
<h3> BATH, April 24. </h3>
<p>DEAR PHILLIPS,</p>
<p>You have, indeed, reason to be surprised, that I should have concealed my
correspondence with miss Blackerby from you, to whom I disclosed all my
other connexions of that nature; but the truth is, I never dreamed of any
such commerce, till your last informed me, that it had produced something
which could not be much longer concealed. It is a lucky circumstance,
however, that her reputation will not suffer any detriment, but rather
derive advantage from the discovery; which will prove, at least, that it
is not quite so rotten as most people imagined—For my own part, I
declare to you, in all the sincerity of friendship, that, far from having
any amorous intercourse with the object in question, I never had the least
acquaintance with her person; but, if she is really in the condition you
describe, I suspect Mansel to be at the bottom of the whole. His visits to
that shrine were no secret; and this attachment, added to some good
offices, which you know he has done me, since I left Alma-mater, give me a
right to believe him capable of saddling me with this scandal, when my
back was turned—Nevertheless, if my name can be of any service to
him, he is welcome to make use of it; and if the woman should be abandoned
enough to swear his banding to me, I must beg the favour of you to
compound with the parish: I shall pay the penalty without repining; and
you will be so good as to draw upon me immediately for the sum required—On
this occasion, I act by the advice of my uncle; who says I shall have
good-luck if I pass through life without being obliged to make many more
compositions of the same kind. The old gentleman told me last night, with
great good-humour, that betwixt the age of twenty and forty, he had been
obliged to provide for nine bastards, sworn to him by women whom he never
saw—Mr Bramble's character, which seems to interest you greatly,
opens and improves upon me every day. His singularities afford a rich mine
of entertainment; his understanding, so far as I can judge, is well
cultivated; his observations on life are equally just, pertinent, and
uncommon. He affects misanthropy, in order to conceal the sensibility of a
heart, which is tender, even to a degree of weakness. This delicacy of
feeling, or soreness of the mind, makes him timorous and fearful; but then
he is afraid of nothing so much as of dishonour; and although he is
exceedingly cautious of giving offence, he will fire at the least hint of
insolence or ill-breeding.—Respectable as he is, upon the whole, I
can't help being sometimes diverted by his little distresses; which
provoke him to let fly the shafts of his satire, keen and penetrating as
the arrows of Teucer—Our aunt, Tabitha, acts upon him as a perpetual
grind-stone—She is, in all respects, a striking contrast to her
brother—But I reserve her portrait for another occasion.</p>
<p>Three days ago we came hither from the Hot Well, and took possession of
the first floor of a lodging-house, on the South Parade; a situation which
my uncle chose, for its being near the Bath, and remote from the noise of
carriages. He was scarce warm in the lodgings when he called for his
night-cap, his wide shoes, and flannel; and declared himself invested with
the gout in his right foot; though, I believe it had as yet reached no
farther than his imagination. It was not long before he had reason to
repent his premature declaration; for our aunt Tabitha found means to make
such a clamour and confusion, before the flannels could be produced from
the trunk, that one would have imagined the house was on fire. All this
time, uncle sat boiling with impatience, biting his fingers, throwing up
his eyes, and muttering ejaculations; at length he burst into a kind of
convulsive laugh, after which he hummed a song; and when the hurricane was
over, exclaimed 'Blessed be God for all things!' This, however, was but
the beginning of his troubles. Mrs Tabitha's favourite dog Chowder, having
paid his compliments to a female turnspit of his own species, in the
kitchen, involved himself in a quarrel with no fewer than five rivals, who
set upon him at once, and drove him up stairs to the dining room door,
with hideous noise: there our aunt and her woman, taking arms in his
defence, joined the concert; which became truly diabolical. This fray
being with difficulty suppressed, by the intervention of our own footman
and the cook-maid of the house, the squire had just opened his mouth, to
expostulate with Tabby, when the town-waits, in the passage below, struck
up their music (if music it may be called) with such a sudden burst of
sound, as made him start and stare, with marks of indignation and
disquiet. He had recollection enough to send his servant with some money
to silence those noisy intruders; and they were immediately dismissed,
though not without some opposition on the part of Tabitha, who thought it
but reasonable that he should have more music for his money. Scarce had he
settled this knotty point, when a strange kind of thumping and bouncing
was heard right over-head, in the second story, so loud and violent, as to
shake the whole building. I own I was exceedingly provoked at this new
alarm; and before my uncle had time to express himself on the subject, I
ran up stairs, to see what was the matter. Finding the room-door open, I
entered without ceremony, and perceived an object, which I can not now
recollect without laughing to excess—It was a dancing master, with
his scholar, in the act of teaching. The master was blind of one eye, and
lame of one foot, and led about the room his pupil; who seemed to be about
the age of threescore, stooped mortally, was tall, raw-boned,
hard-favoured, with a woollen night-cap on his head; and he had stript off
his coat, that he might be more nimble in his motions—Finding
himself intruded upon, by a person he did not know, he forthwith girded
himself with a long iron sword, and advancing to me, with a peremptory
air, pronounced, in a true Hibernian accent, 'Mister What d'ye callum, by
my saoul and conscience, I am very glad to sea you, if you are after
coming in the way of friendship; and indeed, and indeed now, I believe you
are my friend sure enough, gra; though I never had the honour to sea your
face before, my dear; for becaase you come like a friend, without any
ceremony at all, at all'—I told him the nature of my visit would not
admit of ceremony; that I was come to desire he would make less noise, as
there was a sick gentleman below, whom he had no right to disturb with
such preposterous doings. 'Why, look-ye now, young gentleman (replied this
original) perhaps, upon another occasion, I might shivilly request you to
explain the maining of that hard word, prepasterous: but there's a time
for all things, honey'—So saying, he passed me with great agility,
and, running down stairs, found our foot-man at the dining-room door, of
whom he demanded admittance, to pay his respects to the stranger. As the
fellow did not think proper to refuse the request of such a formidable
figure, he was immediately introduced, and addressed himself to my uncle
in these words: 'Your humble servant, good sir,—I'm not so
prepasterous, as your son calls it, but I know the rules of shivility—I'm
a poor knight of Ireland, my name is sir Ulic Mackilligut, of the county
of Galway; being your fellow-lodger, I'm come to pay my respects, and to
welcome you to the South Parade, and to offer my best services to you, and
your good lady, and your pretty daughter; and even to the young gentleman
your son, though he thinks me a prepasterous fellow—You must know I
am to have the honour to open a ball next door to-morrow with lady Mac
Manus; and being rusted in my dancing, I was refreshing my memory with a
little exercise; but if I had known there was a sick person below, by
Christ! I would have sooner danced a hornpipe upon my own head, than walk
the softest minuet over yours.'—My uncle, who was not a little
startled at his first appearance, received his compliment with great
complacency, insisted upon his being seated, thanked him for the honour of
his visit, and reprimanded me for my abrupt expostulation with a gentleman
of his rank and character. Thus tutored, I asked pardon of the knight,
who, forthwith starting up, embraced me so close, that I could hardly
breathe; and assured me, he loved me as his own soul. At length,
recollecting his night-cap, he pulled it off in some confusion; and, with
his bald-pate uncovered, made a thousand apologies to the ladies, as he
retired—At that instant, the Abbey bells, began to ring so loud,
that we could not hear one another speak; and this peal, as we afterwards
learned, was for the honour of Mr Bullock, an eminent cowkeeper of
Tottenham, who had just arrived at Bath, to drink the waters for
indigestion. Mr Bramble had not time to make his remarks upon the
agreeable nature of this serenade, before his ears were saluted with
another concert that interested him more nearly. Two negroes, belonging to
a Creole gentleman, who lodged in the same house, taking their station at
a window in the stair-case, about ten feet from our dining-room door,
began to practise upon the French-horn; and being in the very first
rudiments of execution, produced such discordant sounds, as might have
discomposed the organs of an ass. You may guess what effect they had upon
the irritable nerves of uncle; who, with the most admirable expression of
splenetic surprize in his countenance, sent his man to silence these
dreadful blasts, and desire the musicians to practise in some other place,
as they had no right to stand there and disturb all the lodgers in the
house. Those sable performers, far from taking the hint, and withdrawing,
treated the messenger with great insolence; bidding him carry his
compliments to their master, colonel Rigworm, who would give him a proper
answer, and a good drubbing into the bargain; in the mean time they
continued their noise, and even endeavoured to make it more disagreeable;
laughing between whiles, at the thoughts of being able to torment their
betters with impunity. Our 'squire, incensed at the additional insult,
immediately dispatched the servant, with his compliments to colonel
Rigworm, requesting that he would order his blacks to be quiet, as the
noise they made was altogether intolerable—To this message, the
Creole colonel replied, that his horns had a right to sound on a common
staircase; that there they should play for his diversion; and that those
who did not like the noise, might look for lodgings elsewhere. Mr Bramble
no sooner received this reply, than his eyes began to glisten, his face
grew pale, and his teeth chattered. After a moment's pause, he slipt on
his shoes, without speaking a word, or seeming to feel any further
disturbance from the gout in his toes. Then snatching his cane, he opened
the door and proceeded to the place where the black trumpeters were
posted. There, without further hesitation, he began to belabour them both;
and exerted himself with such astonishing vigour and agility, that both
their heads and horns were broken in a twinkling, and they ran howling
down stairs to their master's parlour-door. The squire, following them
half way, called aloud, that the colonel might hear him, 'Go, rascals, and
tell your master what I have done; if he thinks himself injured, he knows
where to come for satisfaction. As for you, this is but an earnest of what
you shall receive, if ever you presume to blow a horn again here, while I
stay in the house.' So saying, he retired to his apartment, in expectation
of hearing from the West Indian; but the colonel prudently declined any
farther prosecution of the dispute. My sister Liddy was frighted into a
fit, from which she was no sooner recovered, than Mrs Tabitha began a
lecture upon patience; which her brother interrupted with a most
significant grin, 'True, sister, God increase my patience and your
discretion. I wonder (added he) what sort of sonata we are to expect from
this overture, in which the devil, that presides over horrid sounds, hath
given us such variations of discord—The trampling of porters, the
creaking and crashing of trunks, the snarling of curs, the scolding of
women, the squeaking and squalling of fiddles and hautboys out of tune,
the bouncing of the Irish baronet over-head, and the bursting, belching,
and brattling of the French-horns in the passage (not to mention the
harmonious peal that still thunders from the Abbey steeple) succeeding one
another without interruption, like the different parts of the same
concert, have given me such an idea of what a poor invalid has to expect
in this temple, dedicated to Silence and Repose, that I shall certainly
shift my quarters to-morrow, and endeavour to effectuate my retreat before
Sir Ulic opens the ball with my lady Mac Manus; a conjunction that bodes
me no good.' This intimation was by no means agreeable to Mrs Tabitha,
whose ears were not quite so delicate as those of her brother—She
said it would be great folly to move from such agreeable lodgings, the
moment they were comfortably settled. She wondered he should be such an
enemy to music and mirth. She heard no noise but of his own making: it was
impossible to manage a family in dumb-shew. He might harp as long as he
pleased upon her scolding; but she never scolded, except for his
advantage; but he would never be satisfied, even tho'f she should sweat
blood and water in his service—I have a great notion that our aunt,
who is now declining into the most desperate state of celibacy, had formed
some design upon the heart of Sir Ulic Mackilligut, which she feared might
be frustrated by our abrupt departure from these lodgings. Her brother,
eyeing her askance, 'Pardon me, sister (said he) I should be a savage,
indeed, were I insensible of my own felicity, in having such a mild,
complaisant, good-humoured, and considerate companion and housekeeper; but
as I have got a weak head, and my sense of hearing is painfully acute,
before I have recourse to plugs of wool and cotton, I'll try whether I
can't find another lodging, where I shall have more quiet and less music.'
He accordingly dispatched his man upon this service; and next day he found
a small house in Milsham-street, which he hires by the week. Here, at
least, we enjoy convenience and quiet within doors, as much as Tabby's
temper will allow; but the squire still complains of flying pains in the
stomach and head, for which he bathes and drinks the waters. He is not so
bad, however, but that he goes in person to the pump, the rooms, and the
coffeehouses; where he picks up continual food for ridicule and satire. If
I can glean any thing for your amusement, either from his observation or
my own, you shall have it freely, though I am afraid it will poorly
compensate the trouble of reading these tedious insipid letters of,</p>
<p>Dear Phillips, Yours always, J. MELFORD</p>
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