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<h2> To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon. </h2>
<h3> HOT WELL, April 18. </h3>
<p>DEAR PHILLIPS,</p>
<p>I give Mansel credit for his invention, in propagating the report that I
had a quarrel with a mountebank's merry Andrew at Gloucester: but I have
too much respect for every appendage of wit, to quarrel even with the
lowest buffoonery; and therefore I hope Mansel and I shall always be good
friends. I cannot, however, approve of his drowning my poor dog Ponto, on
purpose to convert Ovid's pleonasm into a punning epitaph,—deerant
quoque Littora Ponto: for, that he threw him into the Isis, when it was so
high and impetuous, with no other view than to kill the fleas, is an
excuse that will not hold water—But I leave poor Ponto to his fate,
and hope Providence will take care to accommodate Mansel with a drier
death.</p>
<p>As there is nothing that can be called company at the Well, I am here in a
state of absolute rustication: This, however, gives me leisure to observe
the singularities in my uncle's character, which seems to have interested
your curiosity. The truth is, his disposition and mine, which, like oil
and vinegar, repelled one another at first, have now begun to mix by dint
of being beat up together. I was once apt to believe him a complete Cynic;
and that nothing but the necessity of his occasions could compel him to
get within the pale of society—I am now of another opinion. I think
his peevishness arises partly from bodily pain, and partly from a natural
excess of mental sensibility; for, I suppose, the mind as well as the
body, is in some cases endued with a morbid excess of sensation.</p>
<p>I was t'other day much diverted with a conversation that passed in the
Pump-room, betwixt him and the famous Dr L—n, who is come to ply at
the Well for patients. My uncle was complaining of the stink, occasioned
by the vast quantity of mud and slime which the river leaves at low ebb
under the windows of the Pumproom. He observed, that the exhalations
arising from such a nuisance, could not but be prejudicial to the weak
lungs of many consumptive patients, who came to drink the water. The
Doctor overhearing this remark, made up to him, and assured him he was
mistaken. He said, people in general were so misled by vulgar prejudices
that philosophy was hardly sufficient to undeceive them. Then humming
thrice, he assumed a most ridiculous solemnity of aspect, and entered into
a learned investigation of the nature of stink. He observed, that stink,
or stench, meant no more than a strong impression on the olfactory nerves;
and might be applied to substances of the most opposite qualities; that in
the Dutch language, stinken signifies the most agreeable perfume, as well
as the most fetid odour, as appears in Van Vloudel's translation of
Horace, in that beautiful ode, Quis multa gracilis, &c.—The
words fiquidis perfusus odoribus, he translates van civet & moschata
gestinken: that individuals differed toto coelo in their opinion of
smells, which, indeed, was altogether as arbitrary as the opinion of
beauty; that the French were pleased with the putrid effluvia of animal
food; and so were the Hottentots in Africa, and the Savages in Greenland;
and that the Negroes on the coast of Senegal would not touch fish till it
was rotten; strong presumptions in favour of what is generally called
stink, as those nations are in a state of nature, undebauched by luxury,
unseduced by whim and caprice: that he had reason to believe the
stercoraceous flavour, condemned by prejudice as a stink, was, in fact,
most agreeable to the organs of smelling; for, that every person who
pretended to nauseate the smell of another's excretions, snuffed up his
own with particular complacency; for the truth of which he appealed to all
the ladies and gentlemen then present: he said, the inhabitants of Madrid
and Edinburgh found particular satisfaction in breathing their own
atmosphere, which was always impregnated with stercoraceous effluvia: that
the learned Dr B—, in his treatise on the Four Digestions, explains
in what manner the volatile effluvia from the intestines stimulate and
promote the operations of the animal economy: he affirmed, the last Grand
Duke of Tuscany, of the Medicis family, who refined upon sensuality with
the spirit of a philosopher, was so delighted with that odour, that he
caused the essence of ordure to be extracted, and used it as the most
delicious perfume: that he himself (the doctor) when he happened to be
low-spirited, or fatigued with business, found immediate relief and
uncommon satisfaction from hanging over the stale contents of a
close-stool, while his servant stirred it about under his nose; nor was
this effect to be wondered at, when we consider that this substance
abounds with the self-same volatile salts that are so greedily smelled to
by the most delicate invalids, after they have been extracted and sublimed
by the chemists.—By this time the company began to hold their noses;
but the doctor, without taking the least notice of this signal, proceeded
to shew, that many fetid substances were not only agreeable but salutary;
such as assa foetida, and other medicinal gums, resins, roots, and
vegetables, over and above burnt feathers, tan-pits, candle-snuffs, &c.
In short, he used many learned arguments to persuade his audience out of
their senses; and from stench made a transition to filth, which he
affirmed was also a mistaken idea, in as much as objects so called, were
no other than certain modifications of matter, consisting of the same
principles that enter into the composition of all created essences,
whatever they may be: that in the filthiest production of nature, a
philosopher considered nothing but the earth, water, salt and air, of
which it was compounded; that, for his own part, he had no more objections
to drinking the dirtiest ditch-water, than he had to a glass of water from
the Hot Well, provided he was assured there was nothing poisonous in the
concrete. Then addressing himself to my uncle, 'Sir (said he) you seem to
be of a dropsical habit, and probably will soon have a confirmed ascites:
if I should be present when you are tapped, I will give you a convincing
proof of what I assert, by drinking without hesitation the water that
comes out of your abdomen.'—The ladies made wry faces at this
declaration, and my uncle, changing colour, told him he did not desire any
such proof of his philosophy: 'But I should be glad to know (said he) what
makes you think I am of a dropsical habit?' 'Sir, I beg pardon (replied
the Doctor) I perceive your ancles are swelled, and you seem to have the
facies leucophlegmatica. Perhaps, indeed, your disorder may be oedematous,
or gouty, or it may be the lues venerea: If you have any reason to flatter
yourself it is this last, sir, I will undertake to cure you with three
small pills, even if the disease should have attained its utmost
inveteracy. Sir, it is an arcanum, which I have discovered, and prepared
with infinite labour.—Sir, I have lately cured a woman in Bristol—a
common prostitute, sir, who had got all the worst symptoms of the
disorder; such as nodi, tophi, and gummata, verruca, cristoe Galli, and a
serpiginous eruption, or rather a pocky itch all over her body. By the
time she had taken the second pill, sir, by Heaven! she was as smooth as
my hand, and the third made her sound and as fresh as a new born infant.'
'Sir (cried my uncle peevishly) I have no reason to flatter myself that my
disorder comes within the efficacy of your nostrum. But this patient you
talk of may not be so sound at bottom as you imagine.' 'I can't possibly
be mistaken (rejoined the philosopher) for I have had communication with
her three times—I always ascertain my cures in that manner.' At this
remark, all the ladies retired to another corner of the room, and some of
them began to spit.—As to my uncle, though he was ruffled at first
by the doctor's saying he was dropsical, he could not help smiling at this
ridiculous confession and, I suppose, with a view to punish this original,
told him there was a wart upon his nose, that looked a little suspicious.
'I don't pretend to be a judge of those matters (said he) but I understand
that warts are often produced by the distemper; and that one upon your
nose seems to have taken possession of the very keystone of the bridge,
which I hope is in no danger of falling.' L—n seemed a little
confounded at this remark, and assured him it was nothing but a common
excrescence of the cuticula, but that the bones were all sound below; for
the truth of this assertion he appealed to the touch, desiring he would
feel the part. My uncle said it was a matter of such delicacy to meddle
with a gentleman's nose, that he declined the office—upon which, the
Doctor turning to me, intreated me to do him that favour. I complied with
his request, and handled it so roughly, that he sneezed, and the tears ran
down his cheeks, to the no small entertainment of the company, and
particularly of my uncle, who burst out a-laughing for the first time
since I have been with him; and took notice, that the part seemed to be
very tender. 'Sir (cried the Doctor) it is naturally a tender part; but to
remove all possibility of doubt, I will take off the wart this very
night.'</p>
<p>So saying, he bowed, with great solemnity all round, and retired to his
own lodgings, where he applied a caustic to the wart; but it spread in
such a manner as to produce a considerable inflammation, attended with an
enormous swelling; so that when he next appeared, his whole face was
overshadowed by this tremendous nozzle; and the rueful eagerness with
which he explained this unlucky accident, was ludicrous beyond all
description.—I was much pleased with meeting the original of a
character, which you and I have often laughed at in description; and what
surprises me very much, I find the features in the picture, which has been
drawn for him, rather softened than over-charged.</p>
<p>As I have something else to say; and this letter has run to an
unconscionable length, I shall now give you a little respite, and trouble
you again by the very first post. I wish you would take it in your head to
retaliate these double strokes upon</p>
<p>Yours always, J. MELFORD</p>
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