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Trolley Folly

<h2 id="IV" class="vspace">IV THE LITTLE CANOE ITS INTRODUCTION AND DESTRUCTION AT PORTO RICO</h2></div> My friend the Señor Don is of a precise and military bearing, clad with a dignity that enhances his scant five feet of stature to herculean proportions. He is a handsome little man with pompadour hair and a bold “Wilhelm der Kaiser” mustache. His speech is exact, somewhat cold, yet with a flavor of melancholy to it, like the style of Thackeray. When he expresses himself in English, it is with seriousness, that seriousness which marks all his enterprises, but it is with some honest mistakes concerning the language as a whole. A fine love for our free institutions is also91 characteristic of the Señor Don. I can not tell you how his sad story of the little canoe affects me. I may only try. “When I am to mek retoorn to Puerto Rico, Hooaleece” (which is part of my name on the Spanish tongue), said he, “I have bear in my mind the indolence of those people. Not like that rooggèd American who enjoy the manly art of boxing the eye of hees frien’, or to mek strong resistance on the field of the ball of the foot, or splash t’rough the water in aquatic spooorts. No, hombre! Not sooch do they mek in Puerto Rico. Nuzzing more rrrrobust than to smoke cigarillos and to drink chocolatay, and I say, Thees ees the end of these people. What manner of civilizassyone will mek the drinking of chocolatay and the perpetual smoking of cigarillos? That of the conqueror? No. That of the arts? No. That of what, then? That of nuzzing. 92 “Well, what then? I say, I shall to missionary these people. To them I shall introduce the can-ooo American. It ees a beginning. Bimeby the boxing-glove, the ball of the foot, the base-ball, but gradooally—poco á poco. At first the can-ooo. There it ees to sit still, after the manner of Puerto Rico, becows, if you are not to sit with precceesion, that can-ooo will to set up, and some man must fish you. I buy can-ooo. I have it transport at mooch expense. I veesit Señor Córdova at hees home upon the sea, and there also has arrrrrived my little can-ooo. “‘Ah!’ says the señor, ‘what ees thees leetle bo-at? Eet ees very pretty!’ “‘Eet ees can-ooo American,’ I tell heem. ‘You pull eet with thees stick. Eet ees at your disposal. Will you not make essay at eet?’ ‘Buen,’ says Señor Córdova; ‘where to put the foot?’ 93 “I am to tell heem, but he waits not for reply, putting the foot oopon the edge. Eenstantly that can-ooo make revolution, preceepeetating Señor Córdova eento the ocean. Ah, what confusion! What disturbance! How mooch different from America! There, when I have to overthrow myself in that can-ooo, the hardy cour-rrage of those people mek them to cry, ‘Ha, ha, goood eye! Pool for the shore!’ But now! Señora Córdova and Señoritas Córdova three mek lamentable outcry, ‘Papa is to drown!’ And those naygrose which are there run around like stoopeed fellows. Eet ees to me that the responseebeelity falls that my friend Córdova do not perish. There he ees, pushing the water with hees hands, and speaking as one should not before ladies. “What to do? I can reach heem with my arm, but that ees not nautical. I have94 by the—the—como se llaman thees pole with the iron? Ah, bo-at-hoook! si, si, si! The bo-at-hoook, and by that I hook heem. “‘A Dios!’ he cry, ‘I am assassinated!’ “‘Be still, foolish person!’ I say. ‘Is not your life to be saved?’ “‘Si,’ he say. ‘Tiene usted razón, but I shall walk.’ So he place his legs upon the ground beneath the water, which is not extensive in that place, and coom to shore. “‘Will you try heem again?’ I say. “‘Causa admiración!’ he say, ‘I theenk not. No sé the habeets of the little can-ooo.’ “So he send a naygro for stimulant, the which I eembibe, while he mek change of hees attire at hees house. “When he has returned he say to me: ‘Let us behold you master thees bo-at of eenstabeelity. Can you mek heem go?’ “By thees time those stimulant have made my heart strong, my cour-rrage severe. Am95 I not American citizen? What ees eet? I tell heem that moment: “‘I can pool eet with the stick; I can put in the sail and fly over the water like a sheep. Do you wish to see?’ “All the ladies and Señor Córdova cry out they will not let me be so dangerous. But I am resolved. Señorita Margarita Córdova is a yoong lady ver-ree beautiful. I am an American citizen. I tek anuzzer glass of aguardiente—brandee. What do I care for one can-ooo? Two? Three? I send the naygro for the sail in a steady voice: ‘Pepe, go at once and get the sail.’ “Señor Córdova says he will resist, but I pay no attencion. I place the pole; I feex the strings; I adjoost the ruddle; I put een three large stone for ballass. “‘Once more,’ say the ladies, ‘let us intreat—’ “‘At your feet, ladies,’ I say, ‘but I go!’ 96 “So I go, and then for the first eet is pleasant: the weend blow carefully; the little can-ooo jump oopon the water. But now there comes a large cloud. The weend he blow not so carefully. I am far from home. On the shore, Señor Córdova and hees ladies make observacion with a telescope. It is sad, I think, that they can see me so plain, yet am I upon thees stormy ocean. Of what avail is the telescope, if I am to shipwreck the can-ooo? Ah! I would not at that time that I had the ancestors of so cour-rrageous. Eet ees one of them who make Rolando see hees feeneesh. Out oopon these violent water I am cara á cara with the ma’neefeecent past. Shall I to turn the back upon the perilous? Die, then, the thought! Beside, that moment may the Señorita Margarita be with the beautiful eye at the telescope. So I am gay; I smile, as though I mek enjoyment of the terrrible bouncing of that little can-ooo; I sing97 areea from Fra Diavolo—ti-ti-tee-tum-te-tee! But at heart I regret mooch. What is a can-ooo, for the most? Eet ees not so strong as paper; eet ees a small, little boat that thees wave who shake hees teeth at me may devour at a bite. And then, alas! comes in a wave—ta! Ah, veree cold! Veree damp! With my hat I mek attempt to hurl the water outdoors. Comes another wave—another. I labor desperate; eet weel not do. Eet ees not enough. The can-ooo is sinking. Bimeby I am to sit in the water. It happen. Then I am to clasp the can-ooo with my arm, for in the both end of eet exists an air-tink—a box made of iron which hold the air, that the can-ooo may remain upon the water. “The stern of that can-ooo go down first; glides the large rocks for ballass to where I am sitting. Thees I am to t’row out. Pah! When I bend to catch heem, comes a large wave right down my neck. 98 “There am I, then, clasping that can-ooo passionately, only hees end sticking up from the water. Those large stone hold the other end downright. “At once I think, ‘Córdova shall survey t’rough hees telescope, and send to me assistance.’ But on the second thought I see eet ees not to be. I have mek sooch large talk of what I may do with that can-ooo that Córdova shall think: ‘Thees ees novelty American. My friend shows me all! What devils are thees Americans, to swim in a boat standing oop in the water? Who shall presentiment their leemitaciones?’ And he shall call hees neighbors to see the es-pectacle. Everybody shall come and remark, ‘Ah! Meeracoolous!’ and shake hees head. “When I think that, I am almost to weep. My friends to see me fish for fish with myself before their eyes! Behold the beautiful Margarita! Will it not to melanchate her days99 of youth to rrrremember, ‘Through a telescope I saw my dear friend dissolve een the water?’ Sad, thees. Well, then, eet ees unavoiadabble. So to mek en end manful—strong. Therefore I smile again. But that smile he take all my strength. I wish not to show disrespec’ for thees so noble country, yet eet ees the coostom for to mek the dollar. On that account some work is not so well done. That air-tink, on which depend my life, he leak. The can-ooo ees sinking, sinking. My ear against hees side, I can hear that little noise—shhhh!—where the water run in and the air run out. Eet ees the hour-glass marking how long I shall remain een the country. When he feel oop—pop! A Dios, el mundo! “And eet ees so slow! I am of eempatient deesposeecion. With the long waiting I am not simpatico. I look how fast the water come up on that can-ooo, and I esteemate that I have to sit in those cold water for five hours.100 And my friends observe t’rough the telescope! Misericordia! Eet ees too dam mooch! For five hours must I smile and sink! “And when I think that Córdova shall say, ‘Ah, but he ees not eenteresting, thees fellow! Eet ees a pairformance monotonoose to sit there in the water! He ees not really an American! Not sooch do they, I give my word!’ then I geenash my tooth, and I shall to tear my hair, but how may I unclasp that little can-ooo? “Now, to any man thees would seem suffeecent—a meesery plenty for the heart to hold. Yet listen! Here am I, three miles from shore in the stormy ocean, grasping a sinking can-ooo, while eet ees necessary that I seem to enjoy myself, to compensate my friends who witness t’rough the telescope—ees eet not the leemit? Hear me! Now comes the shark! Madre de Dios! How shall I now perform? Shall I make a great splash with101 my feet to enfrighten that wrrretched repteel away? “And Margarita mek observation of me in the actions of the little playful child. Ah, my heart shall burst! In her eyes to become reediculous! Si, yet here comes the shark to bite me by the leg. To splash eet ees reediculous, but what can be so mooch reediculous as a man without some legs? Eet ees time I splash. Vigorosely I the water spatter. The shark, that cowardly insect, run away—only to get hees friends. Around me they circulate, each one putting oopon me the obstruction of hees cold, unfeeling eye. And it rains. In the air ees water! in the ocean ees water; in the water ees sharks. I am tire of water; I regret that I have not brought the ball of the foot or the boxer-glove to eenvigorate thees island. “I am think to be missionary; I am become martyr. One consolación I obtain. The rain102 eet has obscured the view. From the shore they can not see. I am to smile no longer. That ees joy. A little joy, not too mooch, for now ees but a trifle of that can-ooo left elevated over the water, and I am fatigue with splashing. I am deciding shall I omit to splash, and thus allow thees beeest of shark to bite me queeck, or shall I to drown, when—ta! A hand on the stern of my t’roat, and a voice t’rough the nose, a voice so beautiful, a voice American, saying (eef you pairmeet eemeetacion), ‘Hallo, bosss! Do yer cum out here for thees exercise evvereee Saturday?’ and I am lift into a boat. “So they tek me to Córdova. My clothes he ees shorten by the water; also hees color ees not all in the same place as when I mek purchase of heem. He ees the flannel clothes with the rrred, white, and blue straps. Now he ees the rainbow, and from the hat has come color to my nose, to my cheeek. 103 “I land calm, coomposséd—eet ees like I have made the same each day. Córdova he ees perplex; the ladies they know not what to say. “‘Have you petroleum?’ I ask Córdova. “He mek reply, ‘Yes, I have.’ “‘Of your kindness, obtain me some,’ I say and retire unto the house. “When I retoorn, the old clothes repose upon my arm; I smoke the cigarillo. With the cold blood I walk to that can-ooo. I poot the old clothes upon heem. With the petrol I es-sprinkle all. I strike the match, first to light the cigarillo—then so carelessly, I light the little can-ooo. “‘Pardon,’ I say. ‘Coostom American.’ “The ladies all cry, ‘Ah!’ and Córdova he knock hees feest with hees head and mek outcry: ‘Ah! What devils are thees Americanos! What care they for expense!’ “So I am veen-dickateed. And that end my little can-ooo.” <hr /> 104 <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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